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Build a Foundation for Assertive Speaking

By Dr. Dilip Abayasekara, Ph.D., A.S.

Have you had a verbal encounter in which you faired poorly?

Have you sometimes wished that you had spoken more

assertively in a particular situation? Well, here is a way

that you can build a foundation for speaking assertively so

that the next time the wind of criticism blows or the rain

of negativity falls upon you when you know you are in the

right, your house of self-respect will stand firm and

unscathed.

The first thing that we have to clarify is the difference

between aggressiveness and assertiveness. In the context of

this discussion, aggressiveness relates to taking the

offense, attacking some idea, object, group, or person.

Assertiveness relates to being firm, bold, and maintaining

one's self-respect, refusing to cower in the face of an

attack. An aggressive attitude seeks to attack; an

assertive attitude seeks to stand firm and achieve a desired

end. An aggressor does not necessarily care about showing

respect to the person, group, or idea being attacked. An

assertive person refuses to let his or her self-respect be

trampled upon but is not interested in insulting the

aggressor. Assertion implies controlled firmness but

aggression does not imply a degree of control in the attack.

Here are five principles to help you build the foundation of

your assertiveness.

Assertiveness is cultivated within you before you show it on

the outside

Assertiveness is really an attitude toward something or

someone. When you value, respect, or love someone or

something, you will not let that person or thing be trashed.

For example, consider your family. It is unlikely that you

will stand idly by if someone disparages your family. If

you lose your temper in the defense of your family, that is

not assertive behavior; that is loss of emotional control.

But if you are firm and controlled, that expression of

assertive behavior is the result of an inner attitude, which

you carry within. So, in order to be assertive about

anything, you must have strong feelings about it. As I've

noted before, your thoughts are the springboard for your

actions. "You become what you think about," said Earl

Nightingale in his classic recording titled, The Strangest

Secret.

The wellspring of assertiveness is self-confidence, self-

respect, and a sense of responsibility

Strong self-confidence and self-respect will not allow

anyone to run over the people, ideas, or things you value

without receiving a firm and clear response from you.

However, there are occasions when you might let an attack

slide to a certain point. When you have a strong sense of

responsibility for something, it will be very difficult for

you to keep quiet and not be assertive in its defense. If

you think you are not assertive enough, it is usually

because of a lack of self-confidence or lack of

information/knowledge about the matter at hand, or not

having a sense of responsibility to the object of the

discussion. So everything you do to build your self-

confidence, self-respect, and sense of responsibility will

ultimately make you a more assertive person.

It is your sense of settled purpose that often wins over the

opposition

An assertive person knows that he/she does not have to be

disagreeable to be assertive. The ultimate in assertion was

beautifully verbally illustrated by Theodore Roosevelt when

he said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Your

assertive communication is successful because the listener

knows that you know what you are talking about, that you

have a clear and deep-seated resolve to achieve a certain

end, that you will not let your self-respect be trampled,

and that you have no desire to hurt the other party.

There is a time and a place for asserting oneself

The writer of Ecclesiastes said, "There is an appointed time

for everything. And there is a time for every event under

heaven..." (Holy Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:1). So it is with

assertive communication. If you assert yourself too often,

the effectiveness of your assertion will wear off. Choose

wisely when and where to assert yourself. Some things are

not high enough of a priority for you to get your dander up.

Assertiveness works best when these five factors are present

in you

(a) Authenticity – You speak from your heart, guided by

your mind. You speak with integrity and genuineness.

(b) Authority – You command others attention because of an

internal authority that you are able to project.

you know it well.

(d) Understanding – You understand the motivations and the

reasons of the other party.

(e) Commitment – You are committed to your point of view;

you put yourself on the line.

There you are – the five building blocks for effective

assertive communication. Cultivate them and you will build

a firm foundation for steady and effective communication

under fire. Whether you win or lose the argument, you will

always earn the respect of those who oppose your point of

view.

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Dr. Dilip Abayasekara, Immediate Past President of
Toastmasters International, a worldwide organization devoted
to improving communication and leadership skills, entertains
us with his saga of becoming an American citizen and
learning to eat toast! He inspires us with words of wisdom
from his book, The Path of the Genie. And he encourages us
to: "Find your voice. Serve your world."

Who's living the life you want to lead? Whose your role
model? You can hear Dr. Dilip Abayasekara's story at
http://www.successtalk.com/jocondrill

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